u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
