shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
