Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
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