What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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