i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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