if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
