I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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