paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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