You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
