Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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