have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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