Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize