I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
