my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
