i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
