someone threw a dead crab at me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
