I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
