Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
