Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
50% drunk capacity currently
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
