So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We need to get me chipped asap
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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