Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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