Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
