Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.