I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"