drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
