Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
