Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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