That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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