Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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