He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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