at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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