we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
