I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
