Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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