wat bout pragnant strippers??
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
