Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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