70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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