I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
