i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i came on her dog
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Randomize
