There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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