She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
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I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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