remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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