grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
