I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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