Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
