oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
