your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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