I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
