i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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