so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
