"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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