i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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