Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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