Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
