You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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