then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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