So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
