My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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